Yen Fin
by AnnaMariaNordlade
Summary: or the story about Will Herondale's apologies to Jem Carstairs. From Jem's point of view. My first Jem's pov-story. Enjoy.


**Hello. Here is a Jem's point in view. This is the first one with Jem's pov, so don't hate me, if it is bad. This is the conversation between him and Will in Clockwork prince, where Will apologies to him. Enjoy and don't forget to review.**

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_A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow_.

William Shakespeare

_What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies._

Aristotle

Yen Fin

Where was courage, when you really needed it? I walked back and forth in front of her door. When I woke up this morning I had decided to talk to Tessa, but making the decision was easier than put into motion. I had sworn that I would let Tessa know about my feelings, but how would I say it to her? I was not good with words, but I should be proper. I should explain to her and confess my feelings.

But how would she react? Would she accept my feelings, or tell me that she just want us to be friends? That what we did was a mistake? Could I make trough this?

I wished that my father was here, so I could ask him for advice. I tried to imagine what he would say.

_Be honest, and you will get honesty in return._

But what if the truth would break me?

It's just I want Tessa and I to more than friends. I want to kiss her. I want to hold her in my arms with her head resting on my shoulder. I want to share the rest of my life with her.

But what could I offer her? All I had was a short life and ill health. If I couldn't take care of myself, how would I take care of a wife?

"James."

I froze. Will was standing in the corridor. It was clearly that he had been outside. He looked a bit surprised by seeing me here. I back away from Tessa's door, embarrassed.

_Coward_, an evil voice whispered in my head.

"I suppose I shouldn't be surprised to find you wandering the halls at all hours."

"I think we can agree that the reverse is more out of character." He frowned, "Why are you awake? Are you all right?"

What could I answer? Could I really tell Will of my feelings for Tessa? No, not yet. I looked at Tessa's door.

"I was going to apologies to Tessa. I think my violin playing was keeping her awake."

Well I was going to apologies to Tessa. There was nothing like a little truth to sell the biggest lie, is there? "Where have you been? Assignation with Six-Fingered Nigel again?" I asked to change subject.

Will grinned, but I didn't feel like grinning. "I've something for you, actually," he said. "Come along, let me into your room. I don't want to spend all night standing about in the hall."

Something for me? I shrugged and open the door into my room. When we both went in, I heard close and lock the door, as I sat down in my armchair.

"What is it, then—," I began, but I never finished, as I felt my throat began burning like fire and ripping like a thousand tiny claws. I coughed instinctive, desperate to cough out the fire and the claws. But it passed away as quickly as it came, and I straightened up and brushed the blood on my mouth away.

I looked down on it. Another day in my life. Nothing unusual.

Will handed me a handkerchief to wipe the blood away. I took it and wonder if I should say thank you, as I used it. Then he handed something else.

A packet of _Yen Fin_.

"Here. I went back to Whitechapel, got this for you."

Will got this for me? Why? I took the packet and stared at it.

"I have enough of this," I told him. "For at least another month."

Then I looked at him. "Or did Tessa tell you—"

"Did she tell me what?" he asked.

_That we pushed the box from the table and spilt some of the drug on the floor while we were kissing and not thinking about propriety._

"Nothing." Not even the mortal sword would make me tell what happen. "I spilled some of the powder the other day. I managed to retrieve most of it." I sat the packet down on the table. "This wasn't necessary."

Will sat himself down on my trunk so he was at eye-level with me. The same trunk I had with me when I arrived from Shanghai.

"Mortmain's minions have been buying up the yin fen supply in the East End," he told. "I confirmed it. If you had run out and he was the only one with a supply…"

"We would have been put in his power," I said. Mortmain. The man who wanted Tessa. But he was not going to get her. She wasn't his. She was her own. "Unless you were willing to let me die, of course, which would be the sensible course of action."

"I would not be willing." Will said sharp. "You're my blood brother. I've sworn an oath not to let any harm come to you—"

"Leaving aside oaths," I said, "and power plays, did any of this have to do with me?"

"I don't know what you mean—"

You don't know, Will.

"I had begun to wonder if you were capable of the desire to spare anyone suffering," I said.

I have guessed a long time ago that Will was carried a secret that made him believe that he was dangerous to other. The way he acted like his own skin was poison. When he didn't know that I was looking, I had seen him looking miserable and lonely. I have never asked him, but _now_ I wanted to know if he cared about me at all. Of course I knew that he did, but I just wanted to hear it from him.

"I…" Will swallowed. I just waited for him to talk. "I spoke to Tessa today," he said finally.

Tessa. By the sound of her name I could the blood going down. Had she told him what happen? If she had, then was Will here to tell me at I have behaved immoral? That I had taken advantage of her?

"She made me understand—that what I did last night was unforgivable. Though," he added hastily, "I do still hope that you will forgive me."

I felt relief. So Tessa had not told him what we did, she had just pointed out my reaction about his trip to Whitechapel. Well, I had always been the one to talk to him about how his actions affected people, since I was the one he hurt this time, I guess Tessa had to do it.

I raised my eyebrow. "For what?" I asked.

"I went to that den because I could not stop thinking about my family, and I wanted—I needed—to stop thinking," said Will. "It did not cross my mind that it would look to you as if I were making a mockery out of your sickness. I suppose I am asking your forgiveness for my lack of consideration." He paused. "Everyone makes mistakes, Jem."

"Yes. You just make more of them than most people," I said.

"I—"

"You hurt everyone. Everyone whose life you touch." _Even me._

"Not you," Will whispered. "I hurt everyone but you. I never meant to hurt you."

But I wasn't any better, was I? Like Will I have tried to do something to put a stop to my thoughts. I had wanted to stop thinking about Will in that den and took some of that drug and played the violin. When Tessa came in, I gave into my desires without thinking about how it would look to her afterward. Now it may have cost me her good opinion. I have to talk to her soon or later. But not now.

I pressed my eyes against my palms.

"Will…," I said. I remembered what I told Charlotte and Tessa about Will wanting something.

_When Will wants something, he can break your heart._

Now he wanted my forgiveness and I felt _my_ heart breaking over the pain and guilt I could hear in his voice.

"You can't never forgive me," Will said. I could hear the panic in his voice. "I'd be—"

"Alone," I finished for him and looked up smiling as I lowered my hands. "And whose fault is that?"

He didn't answer that question.

"I would always have forgiven you," I told as I leaned back in my seat. My anger was cooled down now. It had for a while now. I always forgave Will, because I had always believed that anger was never the way to mend the mistakes of the past. Forgiveness was love. "I would have forgiven you if you hadn't apologized. In fact, I wasn't expecting you would. Tessa's influence, I can only guess."

Isn't there anything she couldn't do? She must be an angel, since she could get Will to apologies.

"I am not here at her request. James, you are all the family I have." Will said. "I would die for you. You know that. I would die without you. If it were not for you, I would be dead a hundred times over these past five years. I owe you everything, and if you cannot believe I have empathy, perhaps you might at least believe I know honor—honor, and debt—"

By the angel. He really feared that I would hate him.

"Will, your discomposure is greater than my anger warranted. My temper has cooled; you know I have never had much of one."

But that didn't calm him down. I could see that.

I knew that when Will finally shows his feelings, there would be no holding back. He would show whole the full strength of it. But I didn't know his full strength.

It was enormous.

It was frightening.

"I went to get you that medicine because I cannot bear the thought of you dying or in pain, certainly not when I could have done something to prevent it. And I did it because I was afraid. If Mortmain came to us and said he was the only one who had the drug that would save your life, you must know I would give him whatever he wanted so that I could get it for you. I have failed my family before, James. I would not fail you –"

"Will," I said as I rose to my feet and walked over to him. He was a bit taller than me, so I had to look up. "You begin to concern me. Your regret does you admirable credit, but you must know…"

He looked at me. I could for a moment that he was lost in his thoughts. I remembered when I first met him. The young angry boy who only offered insults, but I had seen back then that he was really lonely.

He might not be honest with me, but I have his friendship, what more could I ask for?

"Know what?" he said.

As if he didn't knew it himself.

"That I will die," I answered.

He grabbed my wrist as if he was afraid that I would vanish out in the blue.

"You swore to stay with me," he said insisting. "When we made our oath, as parabatai. Our souls are knit. We are one person, James."

"We are two people," I corrected. "Two people with a covenant between us."

"A covenant that says you must not go where I cannot come with you." He stubbornly refused to give up.

"Until death," I reminded him gently. "Those are the words of the oath. '_Until aught but death part thee and me._' Someday, Will, I will go where none can follow me, and I think it will be sooner rather than later. Have you ever asked yourself why I agreed to be your parabatai?"

"No better offers forthcoming?" I could hear that he was trying to be funny, but his voice tracked.

"I thought you needed me," I answered. "There is a wall you have built about yourself, Will, and I have never asked you why. But no one should shoulder every burden alone. I thought you would let me inside if I became your parabatai, and then you would have at least someone to lean upon. I did wonder what my death would mean for you. I used to fear it, for your sake. I feared you would be left alone inside that wall. But now … something has changed. I do not know why. But I know that it is true."

The wall, he had built around himself was crumbling. I think Will knew the reason, but he was keeping it to himself.

"That what is true?" His fingers were digging into my wrist. It almost hurt, but I didn't say it. I was afraid that he would break down in apologies and self-hate again.

"That the wall is coming down."

Whatever reason it was, I hoped it would help him to break the wall down once and for all.

Will released my wrist. "I... have to go to sleep now," he said. "Good night."

"Good night," I said. I watched him as he walked over to the door. "Wait," I suddenly said.

Will stopped, but he didn't turn around. "Yes?"

"You said, that you would give Mortmain everything to get me the drug. What if he asked you to get him Tessa?"

I couldn't see how he looked in the face, but he answered. "I gave you the drug right now, so it won't be necessary for us to give him anything. Let us just hoped that we will catch him before it can happen."

With those words he left my room.

As I went back to my bed, my mind was consumed by thoughts of Tessa. I have to tell her about my feelings. I thought about how she looked at me, calling me beautiful. Did she have feeling for me? It might be a stupid question to ask, after all she kissed me and... we did some improper things together on my bed, but... I wanted to be sure. She might thought that I was just affected by the drug.

I was still wearing my clothes. My mother jade necklace was in my pocket. I took it up to look at it. One day I will make sure that Tessa will wear it.

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**So what do you think? I had been thinking about making this one-shot since KatFisch made a new chapter to her fanfiction _Ni hen piao_****_ liang. _When I made my last fanfiction _No Man is a Island_, I got a review from ArellaWhite about making a One-Shot from Jem's pov about Will's apologies, so thank you ArellaWhite for motivate me, I hope that I didn't disappointed you.**

**High five for making another fanfiction.**


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